fire with fire?

Decades ago when I was in conservatory in college, I was at a dinner party given by a faculty member with my classmates and any plus one we wanted to bring. The boyfriend of a classmate was there and he was repeatedly making pseudo intellectual comments and observations to (in my view) impress our host. I chuckled quietly at one of these. But he heard me and shot me a look. He eventually located a book on one of the shelves titled "Nigger Heaven" (a classic of the Harlem Renaissance by Carl Van Vechten). He quipped, “Oh Look! ‘Nigger Heaven.’ That sounds like an evening with (Allen)." I was so in shock he went there in this company and in this place that I was completely paralyzed. But also, I was outraged beyond belief. But I didn't have a rejoinder and in this situation, I dared not stoop to his level.

Some years later, this situation again crossed my mind (as it had many times before). And I thought then, with complete certainty, that I should have just smacked him and left. You see, today more than 40 years later, I still metaphorically run my fingers across that scar. Meanwhile, I doubt he remembers it at all, assuming he's still of mind and body. But I haven't ever forgotten it. Had I gone to brutality, he'd remember it today too. And he would never again feel secure to use that language with any Black person.

Looking back, it does not matter to me what would have been thought of my act. I know who I am and my true friends know me too. But that's the one instance of my life that I would be okay to cave in to the weakness of violence.

Having said all this, I don't support Will Smith's actions at the Academy Awards. But I certainly understand the confusion of the moment and the paralysis that confusion mingled with rage creates. And how that can prompt a response that can be endlessly second-guessed.